When we are outside we always think “I want to go home!” .But it is not the same for domestic violence victims, we know during lockdown domestic violence against spouse increased. Yeah, I didn’t mention women, men are also victims of domestic violence but the percentage against women is 80%. Here we going to see the psychology behind domestic violence, and how to overcome the trauma. Let’s get started.
What is domestic violence?
First, we want to know what is considered domestic violence. Domestic violence is using physical force to harm you. Let’s see it in types:
- Injuring physically by beating, burning, choking, pulling hairs and so,
- Harming Emotionally, Emotional abuse that is verbal abusing humiliating, insulting
- Blackmailing using one of the relatives, per or children.
- Harming with weapon knife, stick, rod,
- Forcing against your will, tieing you, or locking up in a room
- Sexually assaulting, rape, harassment, forcing you to have sex.
If you are forced by your spouse, It is domestic violence .so far I didn’t mention gender or relationship name. It will be done by anyone who you are close to. Men to forced, assaulted, stalked, and abused .28% of men were experienced domestic violence but no one reported, because of, fear of laughed, shame, no will believe in their words. Let’s see what’s going inside the abuser’s mind to do this.
The mind of an Abuser
Domestic violence is mostly out of controlling spouses, to gain power over partners they tend to use force to make them obedient. The causes are abusers believe he needs control over his/her spouse. To keep them their side. They grew up in this kind of abusing the environment, they imitate what they saw. Some cultural norms(especially when it comes to sex).After marriage men think they own their spouse and their body. So they need to obey them, when it seems to be violated they become more violent.
How to identify you are in abusive relationship?
Abusers may seem so polite, kindhearted, have prestigious status, charming .but these are for outsiders when they are at a home they become walking nightmare.
- They isolate you from your family, friends, neighbors
- Easily get agitated
- Always get suspicious of your activities
- Prone to jealousy
- Insists blame, guilt on you, say you are one who started
- After they calmed down or they think they went too far they woo you with their charms, saying it happened out of anger, swearing it won’t happen again (but it will)
- Apologizing with gifts without taking responsibility and manipulating you to believe you are the one to blame.
why they won’t report their spouses ?
We can say “why are you still living with your partner?”, “what century you are?”, and so many questions. We didn’t think from their perspective, they have some hope, the men /women who abuses are the ones, once they loved, wish to live forever. Since they are manipulated and isolated from their families, they cant share or decide. You can refer to this link to know a woman who is abused for years in front of her children, is not willing to leave her husband. They think they deserve this, they are guilty. They are afraid of society, how they are going to survive, financial status, and mental stress.They(victims) need professional guidance
Effect on children
Every child is close to his/her mother, when they see their mom is abused, it becomes a severe trauma in their life. They will be depressed since they can’t protect their loved one, suffer from insomnia, bet wet, anxiety about how they and their mom will survive every day, self-harm – they hate the life they are living and finally, they develop post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD). The final problem will arise they will develop a personality that their spouse needs to be treated like this and abuse them
(Note: Dangerous thing you need to do when you experience this, the most common and dangerous domestic violation is Strangulation when your spouse strangles you. There is a high possibility he/she can murder you. It’s better to leave alone )
Effects on you;
If you see someone who is having so many “accidents” frequently and injuries, they are abused. They won’t open up easily but it doesn’t mean we need to turn blind eye .you can refer some professional guidance for them. The injuries may be short term or long term or life long. Short term injuries like bruises, broken bones, pain. Long term injuries are Blood pressure, heart disease, arthritis. And finally life long injuries Depression, stress, low self-esteem, isolated from everyone, panic attacks, PTSD(Post-traumatic Stress Disorder)
Abusers after assault or incident
I read this in some blog (source: very well mind) I like how they explained the steps they took to console and manipulate they’re doing as good deeds. If your spouse convinces you easily he/she knows you have weak spots if they show that you will be convinced. If you convinced for 1 time then there 1000 out of 100 percent chances this incident will happen again(I’m not exaggerating), It’s proven that your spouse thinks they have control over you once they abuse you, they will get addicted.
The abuser cycle explained in very well mind is
- First, it is the tension-building phase, they will be agitated over a thing
- Then they start verbal abuse on you for all the things you have done (exaggerated mode on)
- Physically abuse you
- Then they shift the blame on you saying “you are the one who scolded me first1”
- Now searing phase, they swear on all things that this won’t happen again, apologize to you
- Honeymoon phase(this is the term I liked in this blog), they will be so nice to you (see we have no more problems )before another cycle begins.
How to escape from the abusive relationship?
Escaping from the abusive relationship is not easy but for yours and your children helath you need to leave :you need to:
- Have a separate cell phone which is not connected to the home phone so that your spouse won’t track the address.
- Memorize all your trustworthy friends, family members cell phone number, have secret code saying you are in danger
- Pack all your important documents, money and important things in advance, have a spare car key
- Contact your local family lawyer, even if you don’t have enough money, your family lawyer can help you.
- Buy some hearing aids for your children so that they don’t know anything, keep your children from this all.
Overcoming the trauma is not an easy thing, forgetting and starting a new thing will be difficult but it is not impossible. Self-care and Happiness are important, live in a supportive environment that supports you, seek medical advice, acknowledging your abusive relationship, moving on, sharing your pain will help you to lead a new happy life.
1 in 3 women experienced domestic violence, More complaints are reported than in the past decade, the past decade’s result is 80% person women are abused, it’s getting increased since women are tolerating, Don’t hesitate your body is yours no one has right to do anything to you. If you encounter anything in your or your relative’s life contact https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/your-guide-to-support/guide-to-camhs/
App for domestic violence help https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=appliedlife.pvtltd.SHEROES&_branch_match_id=791354067364472640